90 Days

HI my name is Donna and I am an alcoholic

I started using at a very young age. Drinking just seemed a way of life from early on. It took me out of ME. I was afraid of my own shadow all my life. Alcohol and drugs made me feel like I was someone. Little did I realize it just robbed me from living. I was a people pleaser all my life, always in fear of not being accepted. I was robbed of my childhood at an early age and just never seemed to fit in anywhere. All I ever wanted was to be loved but at the same time I wanted to be left alone. Depression and suicide played on my mind a lot . My first attempt at suicide was in 6th grade with a plastic knife. All that got me was a trip to Gray Stone ( State mental Hospital) for over night.

I had trouble in school , always looking for attention in the wrong ways and places.
I got married at a young age (18) to the man of my dreams ( although as much as I knew this some where deep inside me the disease had me convinced he was evil) and thought life would be great to get out of house and live life on my terms. HA! Drinking came more and the drugs. After getting married and moving to a new city, I always seemed to be going back to where I grew up, thinking I was missing something in the bar I hung out in. I got in a lot of trouble during the first year of my marriage due to all the lie's I had to tell him. I lied so much it was just part of life any more. My whole marriage was a mess. My life was a total mess. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind I though it was everyone else who was messed up.

I ended up I getting a job and finding a new hangout where we lived. I would go out most nights with these new people and come home wee hours in the morning and wondering why my husband was so upset. I never thought of anything but drinking and drugs. Life was all about ME. I was so selfish and self-centered. I lost contact with my few good friends I did have and I used anyone else I could to get what I wanted. . My family was so worried about me, but I made it seem it was all my husbands fault. I would make up stories and led then to believe he was mean to me and cruel. I played the victim for many , many years. My moods were so erratic and I never knew what I wanted. I decided to have a baby and that I did.
Let me tell you this, I was a very sick person those first couple months of pregnancy. Besides the morning sickness I was coming off all the booze and drugs. But I did not drink or do any drugs or smoke ciggies for 9 months and thought , I'm not a alkie I stopped on my own. But as the 8th month rolled around I thought of all the new beers that came out and could not wait to try. The day I came home from hospital with my son, I got drunk!
This went on for a year and half until I was pregnant again. I stopped drinking again for 9 months. Life was going to be different I was going to stay clean and sober this time. But the urge to drink was heavy on my mind more so with this pregnancy. When my second son was born the drinking started again and progressed more then ever. I always thought I hid it well but looking back , I didn't at all. My life was centered around drinking. Everything my son's & I did I had to drink. I thought I was a wonderful mother. But I realize that a mother doesn't need to drink at 9am to start the day. Or to drink while at the park with her kids, or to urinate in the bushes while her sons look the other way, in front of other parents and kids., or have the police bring you home because you passed out on the sidewalk with your kids waiting for you to wake up.
( my husbands family is involved in politics) I was an embarrassment to him and his family.
I also was hurting myself ( Self Mutilation- another addiction) and blacking out a lot. Days ran into weeks and I never seemed to care about anything until I got that drink in me. I think now of the insanity. I drank around the clock and I wanted to die more and more. My kids meant everything to me
but life ment nothing and the darkness was winning. I attempted suicide many times by no .On the day I finally put down the drink I was a mess! My arms were all bandaged from the attempted suicides that week prior. And the day before I put the drink down I took my kids and left home. We went to stay with friends . We took our first taxi ride and I made him stop at liquor store for a bottle of VO and blacked out. I didn't come out of it till we were at my friends place that night. I attempted suicide again. I cut my wrist's and drank till I blacked out. Next thing I remember is being in emergency room and they wanted to admit me. They patched me up as best they could, I already had an infection in my arm, so they could not stitch it up. I ran from there and went to nearest liquor store bought a bottle with my my kids in tow. I finally went back to my friends house and then left for home. We had to walk and boy I do remember it was a long walk and we got lost a few times. I was a mess and life just seemed at that point to hard to face, although I had to get my kids back home to there father. When we finally got back my husband told me to get out ....
I was bloated ,cut up, bandaged all on my wrists and arms .I looked like a zombie, and thought about my kids. My husband gave me a choice of either leaving and losing my 2 sons or going in to a rehab. Well I chose to go to rehab.

That was the beginning of A.A. for me. That was 5/10/87. My 2 sons were young 5 and 3. I was trying hard to live life on life's terms now. But still I suffered from deep depression as time went on. Suicide again was all that I thought of, but never told anyone. I was going to therapy , but never mentioned anything. I thought of drinking and drugging all the time , but never told anyone. I was very active at meetings and did all that was suggested. But I did not want this sober life the people had in A. A. I managed to stay dry, I think for 6 years. I stopped going to meetings after 2 or 3 years ( I have a 3 year coin so I must of celebrated) And I finally picked up that first drink. ( what year I did that I still am not sure)
I stayed out there for a few more years,( not sure on times, my is still very fuzzy) before coming back to the rooms of A. A. in Jan. 30th 1999.
It was worse out there then before. Even though I didn't drink everyday. I found out what a periodic drinker was. I found out it was that "first drink" that got me drunk. I blacked out a lot and I managed to live through 2 over dose's.
Today I am learning about me: "Donna". I have bad days more then good, as I'm not a healthy person. But a drink or drug is not the answer today.
I finding " Real Friends" today . I live life one day at a time and try to do it to the best of my ability. I have a sponsor who I calleveryday. She gave me a little phone to remind me lol.
My sons are 14 and 17 now. They have seen more then most kids and I'm grateful that they are healthy and happy, and they support me a lot.
I thank God for this. ☺
I have a long way to go,but I'm grateful for A. A. today and that I was given another chance to learn how to live life on life's terms. ☺
No matter what, Drinking and Drugging is not the answer today.
I have so much in the short time since I have been back  in the rooms of A. A.

I remain teachable today.

ds 99'
clean date 1/30/99

special thanks to K.H. for helping me find my way back into the
rooms of A. A. and for always being there for me...