A GREAT PARADOX

 
These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other. This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.'s all around the globe.  TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, P.  151

The great paradox of A.A. is that I know I cannot keep the precious gift of sobriety unless I give it away.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.

Self-doubt fosters possessiveness

Love between two people is such a precious thing. It is not a possession. I no longer need to possess to complete myself. True love becomes my freedom.
  —Angela L. Wozniak
Self-doubt fosters possessiveness. When we lack confidence in our own capabilities, when we fear we don't measure up as women, mothers, lovers, employees, we cling to old behavior, maybe to unhealthy habits, perhaps to another person. We can't find our completion in another person because that person changes and moves away from our center. Then we feel lost once again.

Completion of the self accompanies our spiritual progress. As our awareness of the reality of our higher power's caring role is heightened, we find peace. We trust that we are becoming all that we need to be.

Initiating Relationships

Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.

As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.

What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.

The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people we're attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.

The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of.

The A.A. program is one of faith, hope, and charity

Thought for the Day

The A.A. program is one of faith, hope, and charity. It's a program of hope because when new members come into A.A., the first thing they get is hope. They hear older members tell how they had been through the same kind of hell that they have and how they found the way out through A.A. And this gives them hope that if others can do it, they can do it. Is hope still strong in me?

Meditation for the Day

Recovery is an intensely spiritual process that asks us to grow in our understanding of God.

~ Melody Beattie ~

God isn’t defined for us in any Twelve Step program. We have the freedom to create any image that pleases us. The shaming God of our youth can be gone. Instead we can call upon a Higher Power for guidance in handling the changing circumstances of our lives. Listening to other women in our group share their beliefs about God makes us aware of how valuable the guidance will be.

Judging Others

We can't hear God's voice when we're judging someone.

We don't always want to hear God's voice. There are moments when we love the power we feel while judging others. The high is short- lived, however. Inevitably we experience guilt commensurate with our judgments.

Fortunately, God's voice of love and forgiveness quietly waits for our willingness to hear it. We'll not see our experiences or our companions the same way when we listen to God's message regarding them. Why would we ever choose to turn away?

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.

It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.

We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

Accept God's blessing

Thought for the Day

I don't believe that A.A. works because I read it in a book or because I hear people say so. I believe it because I see people getting sober and staying sober. An actual demonstration is what convinces me. When I see the change in people, I can't help believing that A.A. works. We could listen to talk about A.A. all day and still not believe it, but when we see it work, we have to believe it. Seeing is believing. Do I see A.A. work every day?

Meditation for the Day

Faith and courage

A man of courage is also full of faith.
-- Cicero

Faith and courage walk hand in hand. Courage empowers us to act in favor of what we believe, but cannot know. Courage is animated by the vision of faith. It doesn't take any faith to perform an action that doesn't require a risk. Only when the outcome is uncertain, and the effort itself a feat of daring, must faith and courage come on the scene together to get the job done.

To reach out to another, if we have known frequent rejection, is to act courageously in spite of an uncertain outcome.

 "[The] Power that brought us to this program is still with us and will continue to guide us if we allow it."
Basic Text, p. 26


Ever had a panic attack? Everywhere we turn, life's demands overwhelm us. We're paralyzed, and we don't know what to do about it. How do we break an anxiety attack?

First, we stop. We can't deal with everything at once, so we stop for a moment to let things settle. Then we take a "spot inventory" of the things that are bothering us. We examine each item, asking ourselves this question: "How important is it, really?"

Danger in excitement____Mood alterations

The lure of excitement is hard to understand. While we may think of ourselves as sensible, practical people, the hard truth is that many alcoholics have a strong need to feel excited. This excitement can take many forms, and some of them are dangerous.

One lure of excitement comes through the impulsive need for change. Some of us have had weird habits of suddenly quitting jobs and pulling up stakes for no reason other than being bored. An even more destructive attraction is the belief that a new romance can restore our zest for living and bring new joys and happiness.

You can take disappointment and channel it into determination. You can take criticism and use it to change weakness into strength.

You can take a difficult problem and find the positive opportunities in it. You can take an idea and develop it into a valuable advantage.

You can take what doesn’t work and figure out how to improve it so it works well. You can take what does work on a small scale and expand it into new and larger endeavors.

Limits On Prayer?

Keep me out of it

Step Eleven says "praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Does that mean that there is only one kind of prayer I should do to draw closer to my Higher Power?

I doubt it.

It seems to me that this "will and power" prayer is a terrific tool to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding -- after all, that seems to be the objective of Step Eleven -- but I don't think it was ever intended to be the only prayer in my life.

We simply live in this moment

I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.
  —Albert Camus

We live our program in one-day portions - and our actions today have immediate consequences. For instance, if we listen to a brother or a sister in the program, we may be enriched and the other person strengthened for today's challenge. We don't have to confront every temptation of life on this day - only the portion we can handle. Our old insanity would have us predict the entire story of our future from today's limited viewpoint. But our spiritual orientation guides us to restrain ourselves. We simply live in this moment.

She knows omnipotence has heard her prayer and cries, "It shall be done--sometime, somewhere."
  —Ophelia Guyon Browning

Patience is a quality that frequently eludes us. We want what we want when we want it. Fortunately, we don't get it until the time is right, but the waiting convinces us our prayers aren't heard. We must believe that the answer always comes in its own special time and place. The frustration is that our timetable is seldom like God's.

When we look back over the past few weeks, months, or even years, we can recall past prayers. Had they all been answered at the time of request, how different our lives would be.

Centered in God

Thought for the Day

It's been proved that we alcoholics can't get sober by our willpower. We've failed again and again. Therefore I believe there must be a Higher Power, which helps me. I think of that power as the grace of God. And I pray to God every morning for the strength to stay sober today. I know that Power is there because it never fails to help me. Do I believe that A.A. works through the grace of God?

Meditation for the Day

Living a Sober Life

Thought for the Day

The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things, but they add up to a satisfactory and happy life. You take out of life what you put into it. So I'd say to people coming into A.A.: "Don't worry about what life will be like without liquor. Just hang in there and a lot of good things will happen to you. And you'll have that feeling of quiet satisfaction and peace and serenity and gratitude for the grace of God." Is my life becoming really worth living?

Meditation for the Day

Taking Care of Ourselves

It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior - a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.

Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.

Accepting Change

The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places - time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.

But change is inevitable and desirable.

Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we're not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we'll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible we're being prepared for a new normal?

Sobriety

Thought for the Day

Since I've been putting sobriety into my life, I've been taking out a lot of good things. I can describe it best as a kind of quiet satisfaction. I feel good. I feel right with the world, on the right side of the fence. As long as I put sobriety into my life, almost everything I take out is good. The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things. You have the ambition to do things you didn't feel like doing when you were drinking. Am I getting satisfaction out of living a sober life?

Meditation for the Day

Worry and Stress

"Make plans but don't plan results." This is a simple phrase cautioning us against unnecessary worry and stress.


If our plans involve other people, we would be wise to work joyfully toward realizing our dreams, but we should not expect or worry if others do not want the same goals. Nor should we worry if others are not as enthused about our ideas as we are. We know, by applying the Serenity Prayer, that we can only change ourselves; we cannot force changes in others.

Fear of the unknown

I can stand what I know. It's what I don't know that frightens me.
  —Frances Newton


Fear of the unknown, often referred to as free-floating anxiety, catches up to us on occasion. But it needn't. The program offers us strength whenever we need it, and faith diminishes all fear. It is said that fear cannot exist where there is faith.

We have many days when we feel strong, in touch with our higher power, able to meet all situations. On those days, we are seldom conscious of how our faith is guiding us.

Taking Care of Ourselves

We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as self-care. Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin off of the Me generation. It isn't self-indulgence. It isn't selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.

We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.

Insurance against taking that first drink

Thought for the Day

Every time we go to an A.A. meeting, every time we say the Lord's Prayer, every time we have a quiet time before breakfast, we're paying a premium on our insurance against taking that first drink. And every time we help another alcoholic, we're making a large payment on our drink insurance. We're making sure that our policy doesn't lapse. Am I building up an endowment in serenity, peace, and happiness that will put me on easy street for the rest of my life?

Meditation for the Day

“Faith is spelled a-c-t-i-o-n..”

I did a lot of thinking when I was drinking. I’d think about how bad my life was and how things weren’t going to get any better. As I kept drinking, I thought about all the things I could do, and after a few more drinks, I thought about how good I’d feel if I did them. After a while, I stopped thinking, couldn’t remember where I was, and I entered oblivion. Finally, I had some peace from thinking – until I came too. Then it all started again.


When I got sober, I started wearing my sponsor out with all the things I was thinking. They say early recovery is a roller coaster ride – first up with new found hope and possibility, then down with regret and remorse. I took anyone who would listen to me along on the ride. After a while, my sponsor directed me into the Big Book, and showed me there was a chapter called, “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.”

Getting started takes some time

Getting started takes some time

Joining a new spiritual community is always confusing and disturbing at the beginning. If the path is familiar, it's not new.

Everyone feels as if they have come in in the middle of the movie.

For me, the whole idea of a spiritual path was a major change. At first I didn't get it and I didn't want it. I kept coming back though, because at the end of each experience I felt better than at the beginning.

Sudden obstacles

In the face of an obstacle, which is impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid.
  —Simone de Beauvoir

Sudden obstacles, barriers in the way of our progress, doors that unexpectedly close, may confuse, frustrate, and even depress us. The knowledge that we seldom understand just what is best for us comes slowly. And we generally fight it, even after we've begun to understand. Fortunately, the better path will keep drawing us to it.

We may wonder why a door seems to have closed. Our paths are confounded only when our steps have gone astray. Doors do not close unless a new direction is called for. We must learn to trust that no obstacle is without its purpose, however baffling it may seem.

Letting Things Happen

We do not have to work so hard at gaining our insights. Yes, we're learning that painful and disappointing things happen, often for a reason and a higher purpose. Yes, these things often work out for good. But we don't have to spend so much time and energy figuring out the purpose and plan for each detail of our life. That's hypervigilence!

Sometimes, the car doesn't start. Sometimes, the dishwasher breaks. Sometimes, we catch a cold. Sometimes, we run out of hot water. Sometimes, we have a bad day. While it helps to achieve acceptance and gratitude for these irritating annoyances, we don't have to process everything and figure out if it's in the scheme of things.

Solve the problem. Get the car repaired. Fix the dishwasher. Nurse yourself through the cold.

It's not what we do today.......

..... there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.
  —Booker T. Washington

It's not what we do for a job that counts, it's how we do it. It's not what our chores at home might be, it's how we do them. And it's not what grades we get in school, but rather how hard we try. Doing our best, whether it's making a bed, writing a report, or listening to a friend tell about an experience gives us a good feeling about ourselves.

Each of us is special to one another. And we are special to this very moment. Because what is past can't be repeated, let's remember to enjoy every moment as it comes. Let's pay close attention to each person, each activity that we encounter today. It's not what we do today, but how we do it that counts.

Can I do each thing well today, even the small things?

Alcohol or God

A.A. Thought for the Day

Having found my way into this new world by the grace of God and the help of A.A., am I going to take that first drink, when I know that just one drink will change my whole world? Am I deliberately going back to the suffering of that alcoholic world? Or am I going to hang onto the happiness of this sober world? Is there any doubt about the answer? With God's help, am I going to hang onto A.A. with both hands?

Meditation for the Day

Principle Before Expediency

"Most of us thought good character was desirable. Obviously, good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied.
 
 With a proper display of honesty and morality, we'd stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted. But whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.
 

THE FALSE COMFORT OF SELF-PITY

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 238

The false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like a drug, that I take an ever bigger dose.

Helping Others

 
Make yourself a blessing to someone. Your kind smile or pat on the back just might pull someone back from the edge.
 —Carmelia Elliott

Someone will be helped today by our kindness. Compassionate attention assures others that they do matter, and every one of us needs that reassurance occasionally. The program has given us the vehicle for giving and seeking the help we need--it's sponsorship.

Not all of the people we encounter share our program, however. Sponsorship as we know it isn't a reality in their lives. Offering words of encouragement to them, or a willing ear, can be unexpected gifts. They will be deeply appreciated.

Letting Go of Fear

Picture yourself swimming floating - peacefully down a gentle stream. All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow.

Suddenly, you become conscious of your situation. Frightened, overwhelmed with "what if's?" your body tenses. You begin to thrash around, frantically looking for something to grab on to.

You panic so hard you start to go under. Then you remember - you're working too hard at this.

This sober world

Thought for the Day

This sober world is a pleasant place for an alcoholic to live in. Once you've got out of your alcoholic fog, you find that the world looks good. You find real friends in A.A. You get a job. You feel good in the morning. You eat a good breakfast and you do a good day's work at home or outside. And your family loves you and welcomes you because you're sober. Am I convinced that this sober world is a pleasant place for an alcoholic to live in?

Meditation for the Day

Consciousness: Two Babies Talking in the Womb

In a mother’s womb were two babies.  The first baby asked the other:  “Do you believe in life after delivery?”

The second baby replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery.  Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”

“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after delivery.  What would that life be?”
“I don’t know, but there will be more light than here.  Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths.”

The doubting baby laughed. “This is absurd!  Walking is impossible.  And eat with our mouths?  Ridiculous.  The umbilical cord supplies nutrition.  Life after delivery is to be excluded.  The umbilical cord is too short.”

Step by Step

Today, unconditional trust in my higher power for what I need and not what I think I want, and to understand that my recovery cannot be on my time schedule. In my impatience for the promises of the program, I must remember that the damage to myself and others as an alcoholic in the making and, later, as a drinking alcoholic, was not inflicted overnight.
 
 Thus, I can’t expect recovery overnight. I need patience to thwart impatience, and I need only remember the damage caused by impatience in rushing toward what I thought I wanted and realize that a rushed recovery will likely lead, as it has in the past, to a train wreck.
 

The Twelve Steps

The Twelve Steps have powerfully guided me from just surviving to living.

~ Elizabeth Farrell ~

All questions can be answered and all conflicts resolved through our reliance on the Twelve Steps. Every relationship we have, no matter how insignificant, is enhanced when we accept the Twelve Steps as our philosophy for daily living. What powerful tools we have at our disposal!

The irony, of course, is that we resist using these Steps on occasion. We’d rather be miserable some days, resentful toward bosses or lovers. Or we’d rather be obsessed with controlling a friend, even when our friend clearly wants, and will get, her own way! We mar our journey, give up real living, because we revert to our old selves.

SLIPPERY PLACES

If you sit in the barber chair long enough, you’re bound to get your hair cut.

~ Anonymous ~

In recovery, we stay aware and keep in contact with our Higher Power. We keep our addictions in check with our Step work. We now know the difference between what is right and wrong for us. We know we are weak and powerless over our addictions. We know it is only by the grace of our Higher Power that we can keep ourselves clean and sober.

Using Others to Stop Our Pain

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!

In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

A sober world

Thought for the Day

When I came into A.A., I came into a new world. A sober world. A world of sobriety, peace, serenity, and happiness. But I know that if I take just one drink, I'll go right back into that old world. That alcoholic world. That world of drunkenness, conflict, and misery. That alcoholic world is not a pleasant place for an alcoholic to live in. Looking at the world through the bottom of a whiskey glass is no fun after you've become an alcoholic. Do I want to go back to that alcoholic world?

Meditation for the Day

Honesty

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
--Eric Hoffer

When we're not honest with others, we're not being honest with ourselves. In recovery, we're taught how to heal our hearts. We admit we're wrong, and we do it quickly. We let our spirit speak out. We listen to our spirit. We let our spirit have the loudest voice. This way, lies lose power over us. We find a way to be true to our spirit.

Prayer for the Day

How important is it?

The young man in the meeting was very angry and upset. His lawnmower had broken down. He was having a cookout in his back yard that evening, the yard "looked terrible," and he'd paid a lot of money for that mower! After he went on for some time, an older woman gently interrupted him and asked, “Was anyone hurt? Was there danger? Would your guests walk out?” And finally, “Did you lose your sobriety over it?” The young man smiled, as he answered “no” to all the questions. “No, it was not that important after all.”

Gratitude

Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.


Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.


One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude.

God Box

Amplifying prayer

Step Eleven encourages us to pray, and most spiritual paths agree praying is a good thing. Whether the prayer is praise or petition, petty or profound, most faith traditions would agree that the power of prayer is amplified by speaking it aloud. Hearing my prayer fixes it in my mind in a way that dialog in my head can't do. Somehow the vibrations in the air create a reality more real than my thoughts alone. Theologians call this externalization.

What if I take this further?

If I write my prayer, it seems to me that externalization advances another notch -- the words are a more real real.

Our lives are purposeful

For is it not true that human progress is but a mighty growing pattern woven together by the tenuous single threads united in a common effort?
  —Soong Mei-ling (Madame Chiang Kai-shek)

We each are spinning our individual threads, lending texture, color, pattern, to the "big design" that is serving us all. Person by person our actions, our thoughts, our values complement those of our sisters, those of the entire human race. We are heading toward the same destination, all of us, and our paths run parallel on occasion, intersect periodically, and veer off in singleness of purpose when inspiration calls us.

Giving

Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.

We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.

Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.

Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working.

Higher Power's will

In the long run, it's easier to carry out our Higher Power's will than our own.

The good news of the Twelve Step program is that we don't have to continue trying to make self-will work. Attempting to make the rest of the world conform to what we think we want is a little like trying to push water uphill. It's not only frustrating - it's exhausting.

Those Old Time Feelings

Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.

Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.

Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.

Personality problems

Thought for the Day

In A.A. alcoholics find a way to solve their personality problems. They do this by recovering three things. First, they recover their personal integrity. They pull them selves together. They get honest with them selves and with other people. They face themselves and their problems honestly, instead of running away. They take a personal inventory of themselves to see where they really stand. Then they face the facts instead of making excuses for themselves. Have I recovered my integrity?

Meditation for the Day

Change

There is nothing permanent except change.
--Heraclitus

Most of us don't like change very much. Getting sober is like stepping into a rushing river of change that will take us to new places in our lives. We sense that. We are learning to trust it more each day. But even though life keeps getting better for us, we still keep some of that fear inside us about what will happen if we keep working our recovery program and life keeps changing for us.

Maybe we get a good job, and we are afraid we will louse it up. Maybe we make new friends, and we are afraid they will find out what a jerk we really are.

Death-Coming to grips with urgency

Coming to grips with urgency

I stumbled at Step Six and fell flat on Step Seven. I had to go back and do stuff that would help me find the "humility" needed in Seven to be "entirely ready" in Six.

One of things that happened during my remedial period was finding this snappy jingle:

I know I'm going to die.

I know not the hour of my death.

What shall I do today?

These three lines are about as extreme a condensation of my spiritual path as words can make.

Continual mindfulness

I came to the conclusion then that "continual mindfulness". . . must mean, not a sergeant-major-like drilling of thoughts, but a continual readiness to look and readiness to accept whatever came.
  —Joanna Field

Resistance to the events, the situations, the many people who come into our lives blocks the growth we are offered every day. Every moment of every day is offering us a gift: the gift of awareness of other persons, awareness of our natural surroundings, awareness of our own personal impact on creation. And in awareness comes our growth as women.

Detaching in Love

Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

Change your attitude

So many times I forget that I didn't get sick overnight, that I don't get well overnight. Recovery is not a quick fix. It is a process.

So much of my recovery, has been my conscious contact with my Higher Power. Developing a relationship that works. Not something that happens when I am needy or call on when I have been greedy and need to make an amend.

It is someone to call on preferable, before the fact instead of after.

How many times I have heard, well I thought of you but did it anyway. I can remember saying to my spiritual adviser,

I BELONG

“We are not saints.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page 60

“May God be merciful and bless us.” Psalm 67:1

For what it's worth: Who would love me? I was a drunken mess of defects, self-absorption, and rage. For years my heart was empty and I was alone until I found love in a room full of sober drunks in Alcoholics Anonymous.
 
 Looking back, I realize now I felt love in the way those kind folks welcomed me as a part of themselves just as the mess I was.

Challenges

All we are asked to bear we can bear. That is a law of the spiritual life. The only hindrance to the working of this law, as of all benign laws, is fear.
  —Elizabeth Goudge

There is no problem too difficult to handle with all the help available to us. Let's not be overwhelmed. The program tells us to "Let go and let God," to turn it over. And that's where the solution lies.

Our challenges, the stumbling blocks in our way, beckon us toward the spiritual working-out of the problem which moves us closer toward being the women we are meant to be.

Negotiating Conflicts

Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
  —Beyond Codependency

Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work - problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.

Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.

Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.

One day at a time

One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone.
 —Ida Scott Taylor

It's not always easy to understand that the day stretching before us is all that counts. Daydreaming about the party last week, or getting upset all over again about a fight we had yesterday with a friend doesn't help us right now. When our minds are on the past, we miss out on the conversation or the activity that is going on around us.

Feelings

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. ~ Audre Lorde ~
There may be times when your emotions overwhelm you. You may wish you simply could not feel. But what would that mean—to live without any feeling? You would not feel sadness or happiness. You would not feel tired, and you would not feel refreshed and energized. You would not feel joy or love, or experience the unique connection between people. And you would not feel pride, confidence, compassion, or a whole range of feelings that add to the experience of living.

Courage

Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.
  —Amelia Earhart

We have learned from experience that a wave of peacefulness washes over us after we have successfully finished a task that was difficult to face. Courage has its reward. However, from time to time, and from task to task, we find we need the reminder that peace will come once the loose ends have been tied by us.

Our search for peace was desperate and unending in past years. Our fears overwhelmed us more often than not. Courage was seldom displayed. Tasks were often left half done or not done at all. Challenges went unmet. And peace eluded us.

Facing Our Darker Side

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  —Step Four

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life and ourselves. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

Pushing thru

"When I was tired and couldn't concentrate, I used to fall back on an affirmation toward life that took the form of simple walking and deep breathing. I sometimes told myself that I couldn't do even this - that I was too weak.
 
 But I learned that this was the point at which I could not give in without becoming still more depressed. So I would set myself a small stint. I would determine to walk a quarter of a mile. And I would concentrate by counting my breathing - say, six steps to each slow inhalation and four to each exhalation.