Setting Our Own Course

We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.

During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.

We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.

We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.

Dealing with Painful Feelings

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.

Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.

These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.

Getting to know ourself

We are getting to know ourselves each day. We have learned some very important things about ourselves since the day we started our recovery. Most of us began learning by admitting our addiction or codependency. We saw how loyal we had become to a substance or a behavior. What seemed normal to us was actually distorted and unhealthy living. We didn't understand why we felt so confused and upset. Perhaps we didn't know what we were running to, or from.

Until we were faced with our powerlessness we couldn't know ourselves. We could not feel our void or pain until we had relinquished our old ways. We now can see our motives more clearly. When we have come face to face with ourselves, surrendered and stopped running, nothing else ever need be so frightening again.

I will let myself know where I am going today.
 

From Touchstones

TOLERANCE

Two of my biggest character defects are arrogance and fear. I used to have a hard time tolerating people who are not like me. When I was driven by fear, anger, and shame, I believed they threatened my social position. A normal day for me was filled with frustration and anger at people I didn’t like. Gossip was my language.

After I decided that I was truly powerless over my addiction and that my life had become really unmanageable, I surrendered. I started writing the suggested Step work and had a great awakening. In the 4th Step inventory, I came to the conclusion that I did not like “different people” because I was afraid to be like them. And what were they like? Just like me. I didn't like myself. That was one of the most revealing acknowledgements that were given to me. I have no reason to pick a fight anymore, nor discuss or judge any person. When I meet people I do not like, I know why.

Step One

Thought for the Day

This step states the membership requirement of A.A. We must admit that our lives are disturbed. We must accept the fact that we are helpless before the power of alcohol. We must admit that we are licked as far as drinking is concerned and that we need help. We must be willing to accept the bitter fact that we cannot drink like normal people. And we must make, as gracefully as possible, surrender to the inevitable fact that we must stop drinking. Is it difficult for me to admit that I am different from normal drinkers?

Meditation for the Day

SEEKING EMOTIONAL STABILITY

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS p. 116

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted my powerlessness over people, places and things.

Fear

Powerless as we are, living on self-will is a frightening, unmanageable experience. In recovery, we have turned our will and our lives safely over to the care of the God of our understanding. When we lapse in our program, when we lose conscious contact with our Higher Power, we begin to take control of our own lives again, refusing the care of the God of our understanding. If we do not make a daily decision to surrender our lives to the care of our Higher Power, we may become overwhelmed with our fear of life.
Through working the Twelve Steps, we've found that faith in a Power greater than ourselves helps relieve our fear.

Practicing Honesty

Many of us try to wiggle out of a difficult spot by being dishonest, only to have to humble ourselves later and tell the truth. Some of us twist our stories as a matter of course, even when we could just as easily tell the plain truth. Every time we try to avoid being honest, it backfires on us. Honesty may be uncomfortable, but the trouble we have to endure when we are dishonest is usually far worse than the discomfort of telling the truth.
Honesty is one of the fundamental principles of recovery. We apply this principle right from the beginning of our recovery when we finally admit our powerlessness and unmanageability.

Owning Our Power

Don't you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances, and ourselves.

We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!

Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is the first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.

We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whomever we are with. We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we can do. We can speak up. Solve the problem. Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.

Tools of Recovery

Reflection for the Day

The Program and my friends in the fellowship have provided me with a whole new set of tools for living. Even the slogans that once seemed so trite and corny are now becoming an important part of my daily life: Easy Does It; First Things First; This, Too, Will Pass. If I use all of my tools regularly and well, they'll also help rid me of such negative feelings as guilt, anxiety, rebellion and pride. When I'm feeling depressed, do I use the tools that have been proven effective? Or do I grit my teeth and suffer in painful silence?

Today I Pray

Alcoholics Anonymous

Thought for the Day

In the beginning of Alcoholics Anonymous there were only two persons. Now there are many groups and thousands of members. True, the surface has only been scratched. There are probably ten million or more persons in America alone who need our help. More and more people are making a start in A.A. each day. In the case of individual members, the beginning has been accomplished when they admit they are powerless and turn to a Power greater than themselves, admitting that their lives have become unmanageable. That Higher Power works for good in all things and helps us to accomplish much in individual growth and in the growth of A.A. groups. Am I doing my part in helping A.A. to grow?

Meditation for the Day

Bottom

"I heard of the need to hit bottom, of the necessity for accepting a higher Power, of the indispensability of humility. These were ideas which had never crossed my professional horizon and certainly had never influenced my nonprofessional thinking or attitudes.
 

Revolutionary as they were, they nevertheless made sense, and I found myself embarked on a tour of discovery. The individual alcoholic was always fighting an admission of being licked, of admitting that he was powerless.
 

"You are accepted!" ... accepted by that which is greater than you and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask the name now, perhaps you will know it later. Do not try to do anything; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, and do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact you are accepted.
  —Paul Tillich

New possibilities opened up when we accepted our powerlessness. These possibilities came to us from beyond ourselves.

Sudden obstacles

In the face of an obstacle, which is impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid.
  —Simone de Beauvoir

Sudden obstacles, barriers in the way of our progress, doors that unexpectedly close, may confuse, frustrate, and even depress us. The knowledge that we seldom understand just what is best for us comes slowly. And we generally fight it, even after we've begun to understand. Fortunately, the better path will keep drawing us to it.

We may wonder why a door seems to have closed. Our paths are confounded only when our steps have gone astray. Doors do not close unless a new direction is called for. We must learn to trust that no obstacle is without its purpose, however baffling it may seem.

Fear

“We grow to feel comfortable with our Higher Power as a source of strength.  As we learn to trust this Power, we begin to overcome our fear of life.”

Basic Text, p. 25

Powerless as we are, living on self-will is a frightening, unmanageable experience.  In recovery, we have turned our will and our lives safely over to the care of the God of our understanding.  When we lapse in our program, when we lose conscious contact with our Higher Power, we begin to take control of our own lives again, refusing the care of the God of our understanding.  If we do not make a daily decision to surrender our lives to the care of our Higher Power, we may become overwhelmed with our fear of life.

Through working the Twelve Steps, we’ve found that faith in a Power greater than ourselves helps relieve our fear.  As we draw closer to a loving God, we become more conscious of our Higher Power.  And the more conscious we are of God’s care for us, the less our fears.

When we feel afraid, we ask ourselves, “Is this fear an indication of a lack of faith in my life?  Have I taken control again, only to find my life still unmanageable?”  If we answer yes to these questions, we can overcome our fear by turning our will and our lives back over to care of the God of our understanding.

Just for today:  I will rely on the care of my Higher Power to relieve my fear of life.