The Waltz

Is there a rhythm to recovery?

Twelve Step recovery is lived in three-quarter time -- one-two-three, one-two-three; over and over again.

It starts when I realize I am making my life unmanageable, trying to control something over which I am powerless -- that's one. Then, I find faith that my Higher Power can help -- that's two. And finally, I decide to trust -- one, two three.

Powerlessness, faith, trust -- the beat of the first three Steps. That's the waltz: one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three.

Then I do it all over again with something new or, more embarrassing, just the same old thing.

In my head I know that my will and life are in the care of my Higher Power and my life is better when I trust. Why don't I do it all the time? The answer, in my opinion, is that faith is not a constant.

Faith has a cycle and when my faith is at a low ebb, I reach out to take control. When my faith is strong, trust is easier.

I think this ebb and flow are a natural part of being human. Faith is hard for a rational mind, and my rational mind never gives up the argument for long.

Those days when I find myself once more at Step One, I just chalk it up to a Higher Power shortage and wait for trust to return.