Letting Go of Denial

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.

Satisfaction

No satisfaction has been deeper and no joy greater than in a Twelfth Step job well done. To watch the eyes of men and

women with wonder as they move from darkness into light, to see their lives quickly fill with new purpose and meaning, to see whole families reassembled, to see the alcoholic outcast received back into his community in full citizenship, and above all to watch these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives - these things are the substance of what we receive as we carry A.A.'s message to the next alcoholic.

c. 1952 AAWS
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,  p. 110
 
Thought to Consider . . .

I keep my sobriety by giving it away.

AACRONYMS

D E N I A L

Don't Even Notice I Am Lying

Holding Your Own

Sometimes, it is hard to stand in our own truth and trust what we know, especially when others would try to convince us otherwise.

In these cases, others may be dealing with issues of guilt and shame. They may have their own agenda. They may be immersed in denial. They would like us to believe that we do not know what we know; they would like us not to trust ourselves; they would prefer to engage us in their nonsense.

We don't have to forfeit our truth or our power to others. That is codependency.

Believing lies is dangerous. When we stop trusting our truth, when we repress our instincts, when we tell ourselves there must be something wrong with us for feeling what we feel or believing what we believe, we deal a deadly blow to our self and our health.

When we discount that important part of ourselves that knows what is the truth, we cut ourselves off from our center.

Peace with the Past

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy - energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

"I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me - even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

Stopping Our Pain

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

Asking for Help

We don't need to be blind in order not to see. Remember how long it took for us to "see" our addictions? Remember how the blindfold of denial kept us from seeing the reality of our lives?

But it took a person or people to help us "see" our way into the program. And now that we are members, we still need others to guide us in our recovery. Sometimes pride gets in the way and tells us we can do it alone, yet those are the times when we stumble and fall. Perhaps today was a day when we refused the guidance of others. We may have felt we were strong enough to "go it alone." But we will feel the effects of such blind groupings if we don't remember that we need others.

Letting Go of What We Want

In recovery, we learn that it is important to identify what we want and need. Where does this concept leave us? With a large but clearly identified package of currently unmet wants and needs. We've taken the risk to stop denying and to start accepting what we want and need. The problem is, the want or need hangs there, unmet.

This can be a frustrating, painful, annoying, and sometimes obsession-producing place to be.

After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them.

We let them go, we give them up - on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes, this means we need to give up. It is not always easy to get to this place, but this is usually where we need to go.

I Know Crazy When I See It

Step One precedes Step Two

Do crazy people know they're crazy? Schizophrenics usually say it depends on how sick they are -- their experience helps me understand why I was told "The Steps are in order for a reason."

Like all stairs, the Twelve Steps start at the bottom.

No matter how the bottom comes, I must admit that my life has become unmanageable before I can realistically expect to fix it. I need at least that little window into my own craziness.

We get here different ways. Some of us experience a "moment of clarity." Sometimes a loved one or a group of loved ones finally convinces us. Sometimes we just stumble into a situation that gobsmacks us (like the civilian who goes to a meeting just as a friend and hears his own story).

However my journey starts, I have to understand the line between sanity and the other thing, and to understand which side I'm on.

After years of denial, getting some clarity about my craziness seemed such a startling insight that I wanted to apply it everywhere! I wanted to enlighten every codependent and every alcoholic, addict, or otherwise sick person I knew, met, or even heard about.

They were sick and they needed to admit it.

Talk about crazy!