Self Esteem

 I was never honest with myself or any one else, I leaned to lie at a very early age.

So when I finally surrendered to this disease and redid my step work,

honesty was a big key as was  surrendering. I found if I wasn't willing to be honest in
my 3rd step, I would have trouble in my 4th thru 9th. If  I didn't surrender my will over to
a HP, I was really going to have trouble with 4th thru 9.
So, before I got to this point, let me tell u a little about where I was at when I came
back to AA in 1999.  I was done drinking and I was so beat down in every aspect of life.

I had NO self esteem and didn't know how to have any. I been thru so much my whole life

from my dad, brothers and people over the years telling me i wasn't any good.

They told me I was a  failure and  I wouldn't amount to anything, that I was ugly, fat and no one would ever want to be with me, I was picked on as a kid , teased, etc.

Well when u grow up like that, you believe it . So alcohol took me out of feeling like that.

I was dressing in an inappropriate ways to be noticed, being a people pleaser so people would like me, needing men to like me to feel better about myself, and fill that empty void Ive felt all my life.  My first 5 years in recovery I was still like that. i didn't understand HOW to change it.

Just because we are in recovery not everyone is here for the same thing!

Men hit on me and that made me feel good about myself. I came to find out all they wanted was to fill there need and it  made my self esteem sink lower. I just didn't know how to make myself feel better about ME!

So like I stated I redid my steps with a new sponsor, as I hit an emotional bottom at the
end of my 5th year. On Step 1 I saw how powerless I was over alcohol and  how unmanageable my life was with alcohol and with out alcohol. So I was finally came to believe in Power Greater
then myself in Step 2, and in Step 3 I  gave my life over to a HP,  whom I choose to call God.
In my 4th thru 7th Step , I found from being honest and looking at my defects, seeing my fears I was able to give them over to God. I was willing to let go of the old self and find a healthy ideal of relationships. In Steps 8 and 9 i made the amends I needed and my whole outlook on life changed!
In Steps 10 thru 12, I continue to look at my life each day and and see if I need to make amends and what I i may need to change. Meditation and prayer  each day furthers my spiritual outlook on life and I continue to work with others which secures me another day and helps me to continue to grow.
Today I don't  need to dress up or put on an act for people to like me. I   like myself and love who I am, and if others don't it is there loss!

What you  see in this room, is what I am like out side this room and at f2f. I love to have fun, I  love to laugh and joke around but, I am serious about my recovery!! It is #1 and I work at it everyday.
I found thru this process, if I am not willing to change who I was, I will stay that miserable person I was when drinking, and that I no long want for myself. I work on building my self esteem up and God has shown me a new way to behave today and for that I am so truly grateful!!

Thanks for letting me share, I love you all

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