TOLERANCE

Two of my biggest character defects are arrogance and fear. I used to have a hard time tolerating people who are not like me. When I was driven by fear, anger, and shame, I believed they threatened my social position. A normal day for me was filled with frustration and anger at people I didn’t like. Gossip was my language.

After I decided that I was truly powerless over my addiction and that my life had become really unmanageable, I surrendered. I started writing the suggested Step work and had a great awakening. In the 4th Step inventory, I came to the conclusion that I did not like “different people” because I was afraid to be like them. And what were they like? Just like me. I didn't like myself. That was one of the most revealing acknowledgements that were given to me. I have no reason to pick a fight anymore, nor discuss or judge any person. When I meet people I do not like, I know why.

Honest Inventory

A.A. Thought for the Day

Step Four is, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Step Five is, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Step Six is, "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Step Seven is, "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step Ten is, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." In taking a personal inventory, we have to be absolutely honest with ourselves and with other people. Have I taken an honest inventory of myself?

Meditation for the Day

IDENTIFYING FEAR . . .

The chief activator of our defects has been self -
centered fear. . . . .
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I
look for fear. This "evil and corroding thread" is the
root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of other's
opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears.

I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in
fear and, as a result, the experience of A.A. in my
life is freedom and joy.

Sick And Tired

"We wanted an easy way out.... When we did seek help we were only looking for the absence of pain."
Basic Text, p. 5

Something's not working. In fact, something's been wrong for a long time, causing us pain and complicating our lives. The problem is that, at any given moment, it always appears easier to continue bearing the pain of our defects than to submit to the total upheaval involved in changing the way we live. We may long to be free of pain, but only rarely are we willing to do what's truly necessary to remove the source of pain from our lives.

A Saving Principle

"The practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole advocate of this saving principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person.

Relationships

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.
--Robert Louis Stevenson

Addiction destroyed many of our relationships. It took away our ability to get close to others. The above quotation reminds us that real friends are more important than the people we hung around with while using alcohol or drugs.

Recovery is all about bettering our relationships. Our lives depend upon this. We find honest friends in recovery. We are not alone anymore. We are honest with each other about character defects and work to help each other have better, ever-closer relationships.

Sponsorship

"Dr. Bob led me through all of these Steps. At the moral inventory, he brought up some of my bad personality traits or character defects, such as selfishness, conceit, jealousy, carelessness, intolerance, ill-temper, sarcasm and resentments. We went over these at great length and then he finally asked me if I wanted these defects of character taken away. When I said yes, we both knelt at his desk and prayed . . . If I live to be a hundred, this will always stand out in my mind. I wish that every A.A. could have the benefit of this type of sponsorship today." 
1976 AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 292


Thought to Consider. . .

A RESTING PLACE

 

All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . . . they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 55

After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone, I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read - and been told - I could not stay sober unless I did.
 

Defect Of Character

At the heart of Steps Six and Seven

Before a request that my Higher Power remove my defects of character could make sense there was, for me, a lot of self-discovery required.

Beneath unhealthy behaviors are the defects from which unhealthy behaviors grow. People say that their anger, fear, or intolerance are their defects of character. I think I know what they mean, but I'd like to be more precise.

Blindness, coughing, or uncontrollable shaking are unhealthy symptoms, but they aren't physical defects like glaucoma or TB. Likewise emotions or behaviors may be distressing or unhealthy, but they aren't the character defects.

Death-Coming to grips with urgency

Coming to grips with urgency

I stumbled at Step Six and fell flat on Step Seven. I had to go back and do stuff that would help me find the "humility" needed in Seven to be "entirely ready" in Six.

One of things that happened during my remedial period was finding this snappy jingle:

I know I'm going to die.

I know not the hour of my death.

What shall I do today?

These three lines are about as extreme a condensation of my spiritual path as words can make.

CHARACTER BUILDING

Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 44

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this "need" can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, but I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it.

Change our way of life.

A A

Thought for the Day
When you come into an A.A. meeting, you're not just coming into a meeting, you're coming into a new life. I'm always impressed by the change I see in people after they've been in A.A. for a while. I sometimes take an inventory of myself, to see whether I have changed, and if so, in what way. Before I met A.A., I was very selfish. I wanted my own way in everything. I don't believe I ever grew up. When things went wrong, I sulked like a spoiled child and often went out and got drunk. Am I still all get and no give?

Meditation for the Day

Changes

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.
—Ursula LeGuin

The world around us changes constantly. Trees turn from green to beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and brown in the fall. Yet, even if we watched the trees carefully, every minute of the day, we could not actually see the colors change. Change requires time, preparation, and patience.

THE LIMITS OF SELF-RELIANCE

 We asked ourselves why we had them [fears]. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 68

All of my character defects separate me from God's will. When I ignore my association with Him I face the world and my alcoholism alone and must depend on self-reliance. I have never found security and happiness through self-will and the only result is a life of fear and discontent.
 

Acceptance

 Donna S alcoholic,

 Acceptance is one I have to work on a lot. First I had to accept I was defeated when it came to alcohol or any kid of drugs. I could not have one, I am not a social drinker! So I had to accept that or I would continue to go back out.

Then I had to accept that if I don't do any action work on myself, I am not going to change. Acceptance isn't easy, but my biggest challenge with acceptance is of other people.
 

Calling a defect a defect

“When we see how our defects exist in our lives and accept them, we can let go of them and get on with our new life.”

Basic Text, p. 35

––––=––––

Sometimes our readiness to have our character defects removed depends on what we call them.  If misnaming our defects makes them seem less “defective,” we may be unable to see the damage they cause.  And if they seem to be causing no harm, why would we ever ask our Higher Power to remove them from our lives?

Take “people pleasing,” for example.  Doesn’t really sound all that bad, does it?  It just means we’re nice to people, right?  Not quite.  To put it bluntly, it means we’re dishonest and manipulative.  We lie about our feelings, our beliefs, and our needs, trying to soothe others into compliance with our wishes.

TACT

"Tact is the art of making a
point without making an
enemy."
-- Howard W. Newton

An aspect of my recovery is not hurting people's feelings unnecessarily. I am learning how to say what I have to say without causing offense. Today I am learning to be tactful and respectful.

As a drunk I would say the first thing that came into my head without any regard for the feelings of others. I was often violent with words, sarcastic with comments and cruel in dialogue. Tact was a sign of weakness; gentleness and sensitivity were unmanly; my power was seen in forcing people to change their minds!

Today I do not wish to be like this. Today I desire to be tactful.

Lord, let me always express my opinion respectfully.

Misery is optional

We may have learned to be miserable, but we can choose to unlearn it. Though we can't control what happens to us, we can determine how we will interpret and react to what happens. We can moan about the things we don't like, using them as excuses for self-pity ("poor me"), or we can implement the Serenity Prayer, accepting what we can't change and changing what we can.
In the past, we often made ourselves miserable by over-doing things. Now, how often do we continue to invite misery by thinking we ought to be able to control other people? What part do unrealistic expectations play in the creation and continuation of our misery?

When we're hurting, we need to do something about it. A physical hurt may require a doctor; an emotional pain may call for a therapist or friend, and spiritual distress may indicate the need for more prayer and meditation, closer contact with a Higher Power. We can accept responsibility for our feelings, become willing to go to any lengths to get well, and choose not to be miserable.


Responding with misery is not on my list of options for today.

 

Everyday Living

Everyday Living

The A.A. emphasis on personal inventory is heavy because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal.

Once this healthy practice has become a habit, it will prove so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes and often hours spent in self-examination are bound to make all the other hours of our day better and happier. At length, our inventories become a necessity of everyday living, rather than something unusual or set apart.

TWELVE AND TWELVE, pp. 89-90

Step 6 & 7--share

 Donna S grateful recovering alcoholic from NJ

These 2 steps  are the shortest steps in the big book.
When I first did step work I hadn't a clue what charactor defects were. How could I ? no one ever told me about them , they just said I was selfish, self-centered, dishonest, etc.  I  just thought I was drinking to much, that the people in my life just wanted to me to stop drinking  OK  i did that when i came back in the rooms in 1999 . I was fortunate that the desire to drink left me pretty quick but then my sponsor said i needed to stop acting out. Hmm,  well define that please....but see I didn't ask questions i went to meetings and listend as best i could in the early days, that's about all i was capable of doing.  As as time went on  and my second sponsor took me threw the steps,  she told me what my